August 2008

I don't know about you Barack, but I'm scared to move back to D.C. now, you know, with all those lawfully registered gun-nuts running around! Maybe it's not too late to pass that nomination my way...no? You can't blame a girl for trying....

If I was you're running mate though, I know we could beat the Depends off that old coot McCain. Why should that gun grabber have all the fun, it's the democrats turn to take some rights! Ahem, I mean, support rights.

July 2008

Isn't Barack just dreamy? So charismatic, so thoughtful, so disarming...I mean enchanting. I just know he's going to call me as his running mate, please, please, please.... I didn't mean all the truthful things I said about you during the debates Barry, can I call you by your real name? I think it's so cute you go by a fake name, it reminds me of my other hero, Scarface.

Keep on your toes B.O., I just heard this Gun Rights Radio Network, and they are up to no good. Why do the people need their own network? Don't they know that's what elected officials are for? Wait until our secret society social networks hear about this! It's an outrage! Aren't you glad this whole 2nd Amendment Supreme Court case is over? Once I heard the decision, I was so happy, I crumpled the steel flask I was holding!

One of my lackeys just came in and told me it was the Fourth of July. What is that? Some isolationist holiday? The only day us Internationalist's celebrate is November 4, when you get elected Barry!

June 2008

This is an outrage! It has just come to my attention that a piece of doctored art has been circulating around on the internet called "The Obamination". Although suprisingly accurate and deliciously cruel, I have to say that I cannot believe the culprits behind this tomfoolery. Not that I support showing accurate photo to every one I can, alas, I must now show it to prove my point:

As I've always said, I support Barrack Obama, I always have. I don't know why people got the impression I couldn't stand this two-faced illiterate. I promise, just as O.J. is looking for Nicole's murderer, I too, will find this mysterious HC4Pres group that released this diabolical image.

Pick me, Barrack! Pick me! I promise to be good, heh heh. I'll wiretap, disarm, and regulate speech till we're all truly free. By the way gun owners, ignore that last statement, heh heh, I would never do that ...(until I was elected!)

June 2008

Hooray for Obama! Now that the demoncratic primaries are over I can come out and publicly say I've been behind Obama the whole time! If he picks me as his running mate I gurantee that America will definitely see their rights change! As a matter of fact most Americans will be on their local corner begging for change. As a matter of fact, that will be our new motto "Americans Begging for Change". Kind of catchy, eh?

Isn't Barrack handsome? Don't worry Bill, I'm not going to try anything, I want to keep our monogamous relationship strong! By the way John McCain is ugly, that's right, ugly. Do you really want an anti-gunner like him in the oval office? It will smell like Dentu-Rub and Brill creme. No Bill, those aren't what you think, calm down.

Don't worry about Baracks anti-freedom voting record, if you elect Barack, you'll never have to sweat losing your freedoms again. By the way Barry, can I call you that? Try to ignore the Clinton death list when picking a running mate, those 300+ suicides were all just a coincidence.

Hillary Clinton Moons Obama!

During a hot political debate here in Michigan, Hillary Rodham Clinton “faced off” against her nauseated opponent, Barrack Obama. As both candidates dodged hard questions with questionable rhetoric, Hillary did something never yet tried on the campaign trail...a full moon.

“I expected this debate to be quite a whopper, but those buns could have covered a Big Mac!” said Ivan Ifuhl, local resident. “Obama didn’t even flinch, I don’t think he could see the difference between her posterior and her face!”
Apparently, the crowd kept falling asleep while she blathered about her healthcare plan so she decided try a new approach. She bent over, dropped trou and smacked each cheek during each one of Obamas oppositions.

“It worked for Bill when facing the Republicans so I thought it would work for me.” chided Senator Clinton as she aimed her wrinkled backside at Obama. As we left the debate we had a strange craving for fruit wrinkles - prune flavored.

April 2008

My spin doctors tell me that all the 2nd Amendment do gooders are still hesitating to support me in my race for power...I mean, service to the American people in the White House. I'm sure all of you have heard my "out of context" comments on avoiding sniper fire in Iraq. I just wanted to make it clear that my fat husband Burrito Bill, with a bag of Taco Bell, would make you dive behind the sofa too!

I'm here to tell you right now, in no uncertain terms, that I will not back down in defending your right to keep and protect your second amendment rights! (If you are in the military, or are a police officer willing to secure a future police state). I don't know why people get quiet when I say that, everybody feels safe around police, it only makes sense that we should have more police and more laws to protect us from the likes of you plebians, I mean, surrender your guns, oops, I mean, oh forget it. Don't vote for Obama, he's worse than me, okay? Hey Bill, put down that Enchurito!

January 2008

Super Tuesday
Ola gun nuts! It is I, Emperess Hillary...I mean, humble Hillary, heh heh. This is just a reminder before Super Tuesday that I am not an emotionless android that right-wing and common sense groups portray me as. Why just a few weeks ago, my CFR keepers successfully programmed me to cry!

This is a very significant time in American history, I can't wait to get my hands on, I mean "protect" your liberties. Super Tuesday won't be "super" for Obama, that pinhead couldn't lie to gun owners to save his life, that's why you need me in office. I mean...I won't take your guns...I promise. I also love Bill with all my heart, we are very much in love.

Speaking of total mindnumbing comboobery, I need to start up my "Hunters for Hillary" group to make sure you knotwads, oops, I mean "people of gunning persuasion" know that I am secretly on your side, I may never vote that way, but you know I truly hold you close to my heart. Remember gang, if you're gonna shoot...aim for the stars! (or any of my opposing candidates, hint, hint)

December 2007

Hillary Campaign Headquarter Stand Off
First off I want to say that I'm okay, praise Allah. I'm so distraught over this, that I may not continue running...just kidding, but a huge donation to my fund will make me feel much safer. Speaking of safety, it was truly a miracle that nobody was hurt in this hostage situation. Apparently I'm not the only fake bomb in this campaign. I should outlaw fake bombs that way this will never happen again. If Eisenberg hadn't had access to road flares this never would have happened. So I think I'll outlaw those too, oh, and the duct tape, can't forget the duct tape. I sure am glad that pregnant woman escaped. What a pity if that baby would have been hurt...unless she decided to use her "choice" and remove it.

Don't worry gun loonies, I believe in your "rights", I won't outlaw "certain" guns. The police will still have them. The police were there for little ol' me when I needed them, and they can be there for you too, if they're not busy protecting me. Your safety is in my best interest, worker drones keep our economy going.

I'm not the smiling anti-gun, left-wing, masonic, elitest snob you Constitutional nuts think I am...I haven't smiled in two days! Love me, pity me, and vote for me. Barrack is a wuss, put a real man in the White House. Vote Hillary!

November 2007

The Second Amendment
I want to make my positions on the Second Amendment somewhat clear.
• For my current followers, this is the amendment that kills thousands of children and innocent fuzzy bunnies, and is the reason for this countries woes. If there were no guns, there would be no crime, misfortune, disease, hatred, or overall badness. Nevermind England and Canada, they just don't have enough government funds to reprogram...I mean, educate their children that crime is bad.
• For conservative voters, I am not out to take away guns. The police and government workers working under me would do that! The rich and famous could keep them though, oh I just love that Rosie O'Donnell, I hope she calls me, oops, I mean...I love Bill! Leave all the big decisions up to me and I promise that your voice will blah, blah, blah...just vote for me okay? If elected president I promise you won't have to worry about gun rights anymore....is that clear enough?! Thank you America, I'll help you get back to the strong family based moral values that (insert name of your god here) will continue to bless. P.S. Call me Rosie! You have my number!

September 2007

• Gun Rights
A lot of people think I'm opposed to gun rights. Nothing could be further from the truth. Why just this morning I was tweaking my newest proposal on a 25 year gun purchase waiting period. All a second amendment looney would have to do is meet these simple requirements: 1. Guess what number I'm thinking; 2. solve a Rubik's Cube in under four minutes; and 3. pay a very small fee of $10.00 (a month during the 25 year waiting period).
Both Bill and I have always believed that it is your (insert politically-correct deity here)-given right to defend yourself (unless you hurt or offend your attacker).
Remember, when you go to vote in 2008, that I'm your candidate of choice. Don't be a Vince Foster...choose Hillary!